Distance

I know silence could speak louder than words...yet I ain't someone who waits for things to settle like this...

But for you I will..I can

I can stay where I am !

Care does not always need a show...do you know?

The few wishes I wish

I wish to never plead for love

I wish to never expect 

I wish to be ordinary unnoticed and unheard

I wish to be just me.....and just to me❣️

I will always try

Nor friends...

Nor relatives were we

Should I call them acquaintance!

They do not fit that too.

Looks like my soul quest 

shouldn't have anything to do with them.

Dear, ignorant me!

Learn to NOT turn the pages of time....

See what you are NOT "SUPPOSED" to be,

Instead...

Be your greatest strength,

Survive the tests of time,

May you end up with nothing in the end

Yet be kind! 

May you be embarrassed 

May you be called naive

But does that really matter?

Then what does really matter...?

What matters is ....that I Tried!

I hear it speak - my inner voice

What is Right?

What is wrong?

Can all be altered in the shadow of ones perspective.

Something is good or bad?

Can be defined at ones convinient situation too!

And may many years pass by

If the little voice inside you will still be alive

You would hear its shout clearly 

Of the incidents where you couldnt justify your conduct!

You know what I found today

Inside me ???

My little voice has nothing to say!

I really can have a sound sleep.

Does this mean I did not default!

I did and I did learn my lessons too.

I recall I was very materialistic when I was little ....even a colourful stationary lured me. Then I found a broken pencil can write the best letters.....and the best paintbrush need not be branded.

I have acted partial....for my friends...

Then I realised there is no right and wrong but.....situations make it so and everyone should get to learn their lessons.

I have gone with the flow....in the workplace

And neglected people......under the pressure to perform. Then I stumbled and understood a leader should help lift others creating a healthy environment. Professionalism shouldn't make me forget the real me.....a kind hearted person I always wished to be. 

I have shattered dreams, the beautiful ones I saw. Friends blamed me for being too practical and not chasing them. I wish they knew.....I had forgotten myself in this journey, yet I did try my best only to land being a good for nobody. How could I suppress the little voice that taught me to love myself !

I heard every time it spoke to me and with time I realised it taught me what I really wanted!

It taught me - I have always had a genuine heart.

I have never hurt people for some gain.

I have lied to save myself but never to shift the blame on others

I have faced people and had been honest! 

I never felt the need to hide my face, to avoid situations. If I wanted to do something, I very well did do that. And those that I didnt intend to, I clearly spoke that I won't.

And so 

I HOLD NOTHING!

theres is nothing that bothers

There is no peak that I cannot climb

And no trouble that I cannot handle.

There are no masks I wear

And no lies to gaurd.

I will always choose to like you !

 To the man, I cherish everyday 

(just like my siblings❣️)

If I look back at how I fell for him

I realise I never had to. 

he behaved like a husband since day one !

He almost owned me!

He read every page of my life as if it was his !

He made plans without asking if I was in!

He always dashed in my comfort zone and behaved like it was his territory!

Above all this.... he kept me near like a little pet and proudly showed off that he was responsible for all my things!

When I said "life is big" we should take time to know each other! He would repeat everything I knew ....twice, thrice...a hundred times!

My heart did not long for someone special..I had given up thinking what that feels like!

but this person was different....he was worry free.....without hesitation....not ready with solutions or judgements....but listening ears and eyes, I felt could read me.

The things I would have been so thoughtful before doing or would have planned or prepared myself for...he simply excecuted! 

Seeing my heart race.... he would stop pacing...would hold my hand, hold me as if he had been doing that since decades and calm me! He did not care....the train leaving ....missing flights.....losing money.....I still remember I was always the worry worm...and he Mr. Manager with the tagline "sab ho jayega".

At first the feeling felt very very strange......

Gradually I discovered....

I badly needed HIM⚘️ 

I needed someone who would let me be...!

Even today he has his likes and dislikes....sugegstions.....words of advice...but he let his wife be.

He let me be 

***

I owe you, for being an intruder!

For making me....to like you,

For showing up...managing....and staying even when I didn't ask....did not desire.....was unsure.

For helping me realise, there is no perfect definition of love or finding a partner!

But there are emotions that root love....help it grow and bloom with time !

Age might not make me wise....but can turn my hair grey ;)

 For tomorrow I will grow a little old,

For tomorrow I will have a new goal!

For tomorrow, I wish be just another day

May tomorrow come and go just like yesterday

May my normal always stay 🙏🏼 

May age make me wise

May I live an honest life

May I treat everyone right

May everyperson I know feels blessed and thankful to get to live this life!

****

I realise the ordinary is very difficult to achieve. Yet we keep aiming for the extraordinary and forget to cherish what we have - the ordinary. 

May it be our ordinary health, the ordinary everyday with people around....the ordinary everyday work which we complete with ease! Or the ordinary selfless love that surrounds us in various forms ! I wish everyday be an ORDINARY day ❣️

Poured

 I realise...

I never liked the calm,

I always liked the chaos.

I wanted to swim in the waves...

May be to test....Can I!

I always talked to troubles..

May be to convince......I really can!

Does this make me look...trying to look strong..?

....fragile....delicate....even vulnerable!

Just because......

I gave up....willingly....

And now I try to fight!

****

I choose to fight with self...

 not to fight....with others...or for them

Want to know why...

Because I had let people decide how to treat me...and I realised my life....

My life....isn't just to please one....someone...or anyone!

They were not selfish .....I might call them self centered though...

But they had their plan...

And I was not a part of it you see.

So.....I learnt my lesson..

Did not become too practical...

I can chase even when hurt.....with all might....

But I never fool myself.....or my gut feeling

...if my little fist sized heart says....do not...

I JUST DON'T !

then may I suffer a loss.....

May I lose wealth......May people leave me....May the world tells me I am wrong...

I turn insensitive.....deaf and blind too

Does this make me look strong ?? ;)

I dont know...yet....

All I know is...I keep going....

I keep walking....

I reach destinations...and make new plans.

I never stop....or wait ....or turn back...

All I want is to survive storms...

Untangle life ....face my fears...

And....

Live with no regrets !

We never lose.....anything !

 I have been searching it for two days....

Didnt find it in love.....or friends....or family.
I found it in a moment I call my own.

I just found the feeling that was lost....
A feeling that could help me overcome disasters
A feeling that can help me sail through
A feeling that helps me to keep going....forward....
To keep putting efforts...
To not look at the returns....
To just live.....exactly as I want to:)
Happiness...they say is a choice...
I believe it is the positive side....of every situation .....every person .....every game.
Does it really matters....the winning or losing!
I suppose what will matter is how much I put in! How tough.....I became! And how boldly I made myself face the fight.......

I don't know How someone who made life judges our purpose here....and calls us back....
How every human learns ....being so different......so unique....
Some just keep blooming.....some who keep hating.....some who just dont have the time to live....they keep busy. Looks like I am too idle....to notice them all.
Or may be because I was on the lookout for my precious feeling that I lost....that I tried to find in each of them.....
Yet
Found it in me. 

My heart grew bigger !

 You think I healed?

Good. If you believed!

I had a storm inside....that took alot of time...

The dreamer in me went missing since then...

It never settled...or was it waiting.......

For the thunder..or the rain.

I felt awkward....not in line...

When ever I took a step forward....

I was thrown back twice.

It wasn't working....

Untill the day.....rain took everything away!

What was hidden deep inside...

I witnessed it being washed away.

I cried like I lost myself....

For something that never meant.

Something precious that only I dreamt.....was broken.

And not every broken thing, can be repaired....I found.

That's when I realised

I could hear emptiness...speak...

Of how foolish I was!

To water a weed! 

You know how I felt then?

Instead of being in that state of sad....

I felt happy from inside!

Because I had done what I did!

And I had done everything right!

Not for once was I pretentious 

Or tried to hide.

Nor was I tired of trying!

Thats what helped me look through...

I realised I can never be healed...

Through the pain....or the loss...

I realised I can never escape some things...

there is no need to show a bold face!

I was waiting outside a closed door afterall

"Not Welcome" was the only sign it bore...

So I gathered all the courage,

To leave ...and never return...

And that was the time...when I realised...

Just like the brain grows with practice...

So does the heart after loss and gains!

My heart grew bigger! 

It learnt to let go...to give up....

It learnt to live with pain, suffer and 

It learnt to .....re start ! Reset ! Relive!

We watched the moon together ♡

 Just like everyday,

He walked me home.....

Though it was cloudy..but it was our thing to watch the moon together!

So we looked for the moon...

It took longer than everyday.

Standing on the side of the busy road..

he drew me close, stood behind 

His head rested on my shoulders....

His hands slid from my fingers....to my elbows,

I could hear his heart beat loud and clear....

He lifted his face...

Said, "I found the moon....what about you?"

The clouds never gave way to the moon

I said, "not yet." Asked , "Where is it?"

He turned me towards him ....

And smiled his naughty smile! 

He always came up with such things

And I always found them funny.

Before he could speak anything...

I pulled him to go home.

Yet this person who doesn't listen to me when he should....

Pulled me back,

Kissed me on the forehead,

And said, "Everyday when you look at the moon, I look at you."

That was true. 

He always looked at me....I had never asked him to look away :)

I still don't. 

Thats our moment and we need no words...

Thats how we have been ignoring the moon everyday :) 

Let her be

Somedays I feel 

Women are enough !

Somedays I wish 

There were no men !

No prejudice....no comparisons

No biasness.....no judgements....

Or may be I wish....Men were not trained as 

The MAN - The KARTA from birth!

They could choose to not be responsible,

They could cry before people too....

They could feel .......show emotions....

They could.....IF they wouldn't have been trained....as

The MAN from birth!

Or may be if I was born in some place where 

Women are not "allowed" by men!

The Woman decides.....to stay or leave!

Her BRAIN could really function well!

Without minding the brains....of her father...brother...husband...or son!

And where she actually lives.....!

Lives a life......where she is giving !

Where is loving......where she is simple...

And where she is just herself!

Without the fear of validations !

Rejuvenate

 I believe that home is where my people are....but right this moment....

When I am in the 2bhk where I have spent my childhood....Every lifeless thing......is speaking volumes!

.

The dining where we had flavourful family meals....reminds me of the heartfelt laughters.........

The big mirror of my small room...reflects the little girl dressing up for her best days and adjusting the only accessory I wore then....my specs :)

The little cupboards that made my study...... I stored my clothes in.....look like I came out of some toy world.....yet I arranged them every now and then ! 

The living room....sofas .....still have that velvet cloth on which I made designs with my finger......

The long balcony.....still is like a mini garden....with beautiful birds singing for me!.....I used to keep standing there....to get a glimpse of them.....

Papa's rotating office chair was my artistic corner! That is the place I discovered I can draw;)

And above all these ...

Above all these material things.....

I remember this living thing I loved more than my younger brother ♡ I and Manisha didi brought him home without our parents permission...and papa said since he is here....let him stay and Harry was home :) 

.

.

I don't know what happiness is. But I know I am thankful to have this moment when I cherish things around! When I tell the younger me....that Life is worth living! Leaving the nest! Coming back ! And living more and more ! 

And living doesn't mean....finding joy! Living means experiencing all that comes your way.....laughter...tears.....pain .....or struggle! After all everyone has a different story to write with a very different way of holding the pen and writing !

They help me be me!

I finally understand the depth of these words. 

I have friends from different walks of life! And each one is so amazing ! I cannot  compare! I cannot even try!

When ever I talk to them 

I meet the coolest version of me

    Who believed in being nice

    Not to a person....or for a day

    But to everyone in this lifetime.

    

SHANKS thanks ;)

In the marathon called life

I met so many passers by,

Yet when he ran with me, 

I realised I preferred walking this time.

I wished time may go slow

I wished this feeling may grow

Of being loved and being with him

Looks like life unfolded me to him!

He doesn't make my things simple

He never compromises

He doesn't buy my yes or no

He says if it is about me....things can't be just so-so !

He waits...he stays.....

May it be dawn or midnight...

If it is about me,

He makes sure everything is perfect..is right.

Somedays he says ....he should have been a better HE ...that too for me.

but then I tell him...then he wouldn't have looked for me :)

I am happy he was bold...

I am happy he was more than nice

I am happy he took all the efforts

To make me call him "mine"♡

Lets just live everyday.

Let me cry for this one time...

For the things I left behind.

Even though....Life is beautiful....more beautiful than I could have thought...

Even though this was not ....never my plan.

Even though I could have never been this blessed...!

Even though I grew out of the chaos that I never addressed!

Not always...did I have someone beside.....

There were days when darkness surpassed light,

Somedays when I managed to survive,

And some when I questioned the purpose of a human LIFE! 

I still don't have the answers...

but now I don't look for them....

NOW....I just live!

I live in the moment...as if

That is all I will ever have...!

SO !

To every person, I ever knew,

I wish you stay happy, healthy in this life.

May you realise 

Life is too short to judge and weigh!

Lets just live and let others live their way!

May we just stay humble and kind

May we always pray to God....

To have strength when we are faced with hard times!

And of all of this ....May we not blame the good or the bad....

May we be human.......because only humans can forgive, can understand! 

You make my world!

Looks like it took a while

But because I have had you all..... all this time

Even if things don't end up beautiful and nice

I will be content to just have you in this life❣️

My siblings were already in his written plans....but Shreyans! You were his surprise element....🐣😁

My busy friend

I know we are adults, now

I know back then we were kids

But I didnt know..

Before sleeping on my worst of days.....

When I will count my blessings....

I will always count you ! My friend! 

I never wish to go back in time....

But our times together makes me nostalgic!

I remember everything so clearly

As if it was yesterday we met.

Became friends and had those

Talks and walks :)

I wish I really could pen down 

Every moment of happiness 

And moments of despair too

Thinking of this, I realise

The times are worth remembering 

Because I had you to back me up!

True! THAT time has become a beautiful memory now...

But I am still here and so are you!

Lets be friends !

We are on this earth for a very small time

Lets atleast try :) 

Like water....I flow

 When I was 18

I always wanted to foresee

What will I end up being !

Today I am 35

And like 18, I wish to forsee

What will I be at 50 ;) 

I never wish to go back

Change things in the past

Because every thing I did,

Was what I felt - was the right thing to do

At that time!

If I were to define my journey 

I would call myself a river

That went with the flow!

I have never stopped!

Even when faced with criticism 

When I felt unwanted

When I felt aimless

When I fell and gave up

gave up my most cherished things in hand.....

I never gave up on myself !

And looks like 

The writer of my story...

Levels me up....when ever I tried :) 

And I tried my best!

- my sister says this has come to me from my father - the character of not giving up....and giving the best shot when hardest hit :)

Do not hesitate

 

I do share texts, quotes 

With friends and family

But I never advice people.

Yet if some day....

If I really have to give some advice...

I would ask people to NOT HESITATE!

I will tell....them.....

You and I are here for a very small time,

Wouldn't it be better to share our ups and downs

Talk more.....

Learn from each other's experiences 

May be the way you feel

Is exactly how I feel too! 

May be you have cloudy days 

But I am all drenched in rain!

May be people around us 

Are...waiting for us to open up:) 

And we fear they will judge or 

pity us!

May be they are waiting for someone 

To show courage too! 

May be they are waiting for someone 

To show up.....just like me and you! 

Mother - a special being

 My mother says,

"Spend the first day of NEW year, 

As you want your whole year to be"

I spent this 1st of January

Lying on the bed

All sick and tired !

"Does this mean the whole year 

I will be sick ?" I asked her

To which she replied,

"No! This means now you should eat healthy, do some yoga and take care of yourself!"

***

I too am a mother of two

I know how many stories I make each day

For them....I am like a god!

They believe me and love me

Even when I don't trust myself!

Did God really sculpted MOTHERS..

With unconditional emotions!

Strength that no one can match,

Care that none can reciprocate 

And love that flows without expectations!

***

If a mother would start journaling 

No one would believe...

The countless emotional tides,

she experiences every day.

Yet she is there each day 

to not just survive 

But to live, laugh and love!