Kachi mitti si

Ghar ka ek kona sajaya tha

Chota sa...rekhachitra banaya tha

Bade chotey kanch k tukde bhi lagaye the

Jab darwaze se rasoi tak jaati...

Toh lagta mano mujhe dekh ke tim timate!

Use dekhke khush ho jaati.

Ghar ki ek khali diwaar....jahan kuch nahi tha

Waha meri Kalpana bas gayi...

Ab sofe par zyada samay bitati...

Apni kitaab bhi usike saamne baithke padhti

Par kuch hi din ki Shobha tha

Zaroori toh nahi jo mujhe achha lage wo unhe bhi pasand aaye :)

ab diwaar khali rehti hai

Maine khud hi use pehle jaise kar diya. 

Unhone poocha bhi kyu hata diya?

Kaash "Purush" .....pratikriya dene se pehle sochte!

Ya shayad auraton ki sabse badi khoobi hai

pak jane per bhi kachhi mitti sa dhal jaana!

Night night

My heart is as clear as water

I can notice the rhythm of my breath too

I can silently hear the sounds of the night

The vehicles from far too

Looks like everything is just right !

But I did do something I am sad about 

I judged a fellow worker for not doing well

I said they PRETEND....

And the next moment I tried to cover up!

I feel ashamed. I carried this guilt the whole day...

I know each of us are trying our best!

Yet....I judged

I even know...words spoken..cant be taken back....and so I am sorry for I am no good than them.

May tomorrow I speak my heart but not offend people 

May tomorrow I peep inside than change the world

May tomorrow I be a kind person

May tomorrow........come like today!

Subramanyam Uncle

My papa is not someone who calls me everyday, even though I am miles away.

But when I meet him

He will ask me 

if I am happy! How am I! He would hug me!

And that is all I ever need....needed from him.

***

When I came to Hyderabad, during covid..

My balcony faced Uncle's home....

And every morning when I sat there with the kids....play or just look outside....Uncle would wave at us...smile at us.

I think he was the first person I knew without meeting...without talking !

We couldnt celebrate my daughter's first birthday due to covid precautions,

Yet uncle came home for the first time :)

He sat far and had got a little stuffed toy !

He said "I had to come to give my blessings". 

I couldnt express the warmth he brought! 

Since then, uncle was family :)

He would come home and say it was his daughters and I loved serving him too.

We shared meals.....he loved having tea in a big mug....and his wise words....stories....felt like a weekend with an elderly, far from home.

When ever we met downstairs,

He would always ask me,

"How are you, daughter?"

"Do you take care of yourself?"

And I would nod a yes. 

There are so many aunties who love me like a kid...advice me.............yet uncle was the one who always cared. 

Even in a group he would call me and ask if I was doing well and that was the only thing he would ask.

He was like papa to me...!

I badly missed you sitting among the other grey haired friends of yours....when I went down today, Uncle! 

I hate this part of growing up...of being an adult...showing a bold mature face....

****

I had this thought today....

uncle ...papa...mumma....all the elderly I know....dont have Elders above them...they...might be old...yet every person needs care and love....who would they turn to when they wish to pour their heart!

So they love us....care for us. 

May be its time that I start caring for those younger to me.....the generation younger to me....

Just like his kindness filled my heart,

May be me being kind to someone makes them feel home...feel happy too.

You matter to me :)

We work all the time

Yet we do talk in-between

We discuss life....dreams......desires too

You tell me I am beautiful

I think you see me as you are !

Our conversations are so complete

Even when left in the middle of time.

I wish you everything good

I wish you happiness in every lifetime

I wish your simplicity shines brighter

I wish you regret nothing in life

May you have all you desire for

May you be happy in every lifetime !

I love, I live!

 Of all the things this beautiful life has....

I still believe in love.

I believe in the pure emotion that makes me cry....makes me happy.....makes me trust.....makes me a fool.......makes me take wrong decisions....makes me want to live and die.

I honestly dont know which phase of maturity....growing up am I in....that I have so many realisations......about my own self. But I think I will happily believe white lies if said with love....I wont regret the consequences. I dont mind people deceiving....I like that I don't repay them their kind of gifts. 

The loss or gain of wealth seems pointless. Dressing up.....showing off a lavish lifestyle......seems absurd too. 

What matters more are my comfortable wears .....healthy home-cooked meals........friends calling me just to know how am I............parents who still scold, teach, annoy and love me......siblings who would cross rivers and mountains for me without a second thought.....and love that is a synonym of honesty by my side. When he found me....I was broken ......yet he said I was beautiful......he still says the same. 

Though I talk about temporary attachments and not expecting.....but my heart is a heart too and I fear if...even a single piece from my picture goes missing....how will I carry on.....

Flowering

Whether I walk ahead and pretend I forget and forgive...I still have an empty spot - the past.

I try to be modest...humble and nice

But I still want to question people, fight and even play the blame game.

The younger me was ignorant.

Things...people....situations made me or broke me

Time did teach....time did heal....

Yet on days when I peep inside

I not just see the past...I empathise

I re-live it!

I think of the better outcomes,

Those situations, people and things

Had a role to play in my becoming !

But I dont thank them.

It was me who cured and cared for me!

I have lived!

I have grown!

I owe the younger me!

I love her for everything she was !

You are yours :)

 I put on a nice dress

And they like me more!

Can they not like me for who I am!

Or should I look in the mirror first?

And see clearly.....whether I like them for who they are!

Yesterday I said "nothing is fair"

Today, I peep inside to change the outer world.

I will not judge 

I will not react

I will absorb

And come back to the bay

When the waters will settle 

I will sail through!

May be I will discover ME

In the vast sea.....

Or an unknown land

That was waiting for me!

Then......

Will I still worry,

"If they like me more?"

Or will I like me more :) ??

Living

 I dont know what I was in my past life

It doesnt even matter what I was a day before

Today I gave my one hundred percent!

Today life was worth living!

I never calculate the riches or desire material wealth 

I dream to LIVE day by day

It doesnt matter how the future unfolds

Today I was honest!

Today I ate well :)

Someone once said "I talk like I just read some books" 

I took it as a compliment! 

May I trust and love without reasons

It doesnt matter if there are no returns, no rewards

Today I have a family ❤️

Today I have friends who care!

*****

Thankyou God 

I never thought I was fit for somethings...

But here I am

Your plans are the best!

The genuine parents my foundation.....siblings that laugh and cry together.....the outstanding man who loves me everyday....!

I cannot thank you enough God. 

Over and above these I became a mother that I never ever imagined. It still feels like an unknown dream....I still am doubtful everyday but then I trust you....like they trust me.

Mine

 

I keep going - with or without

My heart felt warm and safe

In her motherly embrace.

Memories filled my brain

Her love filled my eyes...

And did not stop there...

I wish you always stay !

It is heart breaking to imagine losing a loved one. 

I know this bitter truth now

Time doesn't heal.

We just grow old....and learn to live with or without our loss.

Elders say -

"Being born in a specific family

In a specific environment,

Is all Gods plan! 

He wants us to learn what we couldnt in our last life" and when a sould leaves, their purpose is fulfilled.

Isnt this carrying the past?

And then we talk about forgetting forgiving people in this life!

Can we not just live without burdening self 

With man made theories!

Theories like the definition of being a good human being!

How to behave....when to do what....

Why not to live for self !

Why not to argue....fight....speak your heart....hurt people when it is needed!

Even though it doesnt really make sense.

And I talk about myself here...

I think 

It wouldnt matter to me if I lose or win an argument,

I think the way I fight....or my reasons ending in a fight will make me sad even before the result.

The harsh things we speak.....the hurtful emotions that grow....can not be reversed!

It is like we cannot undo the consequences of a war.

Just like when Losing someone 

I cannot regret that I would have spent more time....had been more nice.....or this or that....

I can just be there for them TODAY.

Make memories for tomorrow

Fill my heart with the love I share

Let it stay....let it be remembered 

******

Dear Hope, stay close

Some days when hope tells me

I am hopeless

I still hold it tight.

Like today when I couldnt fight

When I couldnt breadth 

I felt the pain will not let me survive...

I still did. 

Isnt that the biggest hope....that I am alive!

With or without heart

Inside or outside my head..

Before....and after....and years later....I am still living! 

I hide...me

 In a world full of lives

In a home full of love

I seek myself.

Even though I am a mother...

I still keep safe the little girl I once was.

I love her imagination.....her creativity

I adore how easily she cherishes goodness in people

I am grateful to her for being so positive

She helps me find joy in the dark hours..

She overlooks when my plans fail,

I looked for friends outside...only to find her...holding on to me..each and every time.

I always say my family....my siblings....my parents are my greatest gifts....

But I think my character that I am building.....the life lessons I am trying to practise...are my assets. They help me clear the unwanted stressful thoughts....and be a kind...and a giving person that I always aimed to be..... with a heart filled with gratitude.

Thankful for having a healthy body....

Thankful to get up each morning and be able to work

Thankful that the world is full of people with good intentions

Thankful because each night...like today....I can pray and sleep with hope.

Thankyou God

Sailing

Just like when I was 18, 

I still have boundaries.

I do not think beyond..

But today I was Honest 

not blunt nor modest.

I admitted - I have found a happy place

Without a second thought, I said I do! 

This place is warm and welcoming,

Nor young nor old...perfect to stay...!

There are real walls yet there is freedom to dream,

There are rooms for all my moods,

Perfect backdrops.....balloons.....flowers

smiles and togetherness that fills the space!

There are discussions....debates....

Not always do we agree or smile....

Yet we share, we care.....

Hear and see but never judge or decide!

This place is another home, far from mine

A place I always look up to for wisdom, day and night.

It nutures memories, reflects pure joy

Makes me believe in me.....white is white and it cannot shouldnt be denied.

I never expect....

Yet I expect this place stay the way it is.....

Beautiful inside out..surprisingly simple 

And easy to be found.

~~~~~~~~~

Distance

I know silence could speak louder than words...yet I ain't someone who waits for things to settle like this...

But for you I will..I can

I can stay where I am !

Care does not always need a show...do you know?

The few wishes I wish

I wish to never plead for love

I wish to never expect 

I wish to be ordinary unnoticed and unheard

I wish to be just me.....and just to me❣️

I will always try

Nor friends...

Nor relatives were we

Should I call them acquaintance!

They do not fit that too.

Looks like my soul quest 

shouldn't have anything to do with them.

Dear, ignorant me!

Learn to NOT turn the pages of time....

See what you are NOT "SUPPOSED" to be,

Instead...

Be your greatest strength,

Survive the tests of time,

May you end up with nothing in the end

Yet be kind! 

May you be embarrassed 

May you be called naive

But does that really matter?

Then what does really matter...?

What matters is ....that I Tried!

I hear it speak - my inner voice

What is Right?

What is wrong?

Can all be altered in the shadow of ones perspective.

Something is good or bad?

Can be defined at ones convinient situation too!

And may many years pass by

If the little voice inside you will still be alive

You would hear its shout clearly 

Of the incidents where you couldnt justify your conduct!

You know what I found today

Inside me ???

My little voice has nothing to say!

I really can have a sound sleep.

Does this mean I did not default!

I did and I did learn my lessons too.

I recall I was very materialistic when I was little ....even a colourful stationary lured me. Then I found a broken pencil can write the best letters.....and the best paintbrush need not be branded.

I have acted partial....for my friends...

Then I realised there is no right and wrong but.....situations make it so and everyone should get to learn their lessons.

I have gone with the flow....in the workplace

And neglected people......under the pressure to perform. Then I stumbled and understood a leader should help lift others creating a healthy environment. Professionalism shouldn't make me forget the real me.....a kind hearted person I always wished to be. 

I have shattered dreams, the beautiful ones I saw. Friends blamed me for being too practical and not chasing them. I wish they knew.....I had forgotten myself in this journey, yet I did try my best only to land being a good for nobody. How could I suppress the little voice that taught me to love myself !

I heard every time it spoke to me and with time I realised it taught me what I really wanted!

It taught me - I have always had a genuine heart.

I have never hurt people for some gain.

I have lied to save myself but never to shift the blame on others

I have faced people and had been honest! 

I never felt the need to hide my face, to avoid situations. If I wanted to do something, I very well did do that. And those that I didnt intend to, I clearly spoke that I won't.

And so 

I HOLD NOTHING!

theres is nothing that bothers

There is no peak that I cannot climb

And no trouble that I cannot handle.

There are no masks I wear

And no lies to gaurd.

I will always choose to like you !

 To the man, I cherish everyday 

(just like my siblings❣️)

If I look back at how I fell for him

I realise I never had to. 

he behaved like a husband since day one !

He almost owned me!

He read every page of my life as if it was his !

He made plans without asking if I was in!

He always dashed in my comfort zone and behaved like it was his territory!

Above all this.... he kept me near like a little pet and proudly showed off that he was responsible for all my things!

When I said "life is big" we should take time to know each other! He would repeat everything I knew ....twice, thrice...a hundred times!

My heart did not long for someone special..I had given up thinking what that feels like!

but this person was different....he was worry free.....without hesitation....not ready with solutions or judgements....but listening ears and eyes, I felt could read me.

The things I would have been so thoughtful before doing or would have planned or prepared myself for...he simply excecuted! 

Seeing my heart race.... he would stop pacing...would hold my hand, hold me as if he had been doing that since decades and calm me! He did not care....the train leaving ....missing flights.....losing money.....I still remember I was always the worry worm...and he Mr. Manager with the tagline "sab ho jayega".

At first the feeling felt very very strange......

Gradually I discovered....

I badly needed HIM⚘️ 

I needed someone who would let me be...!

Even today he has his likes and dislikes....sugegstions.....words of advice...but he let his wife be.

He let me be 

***

I owe you, for being an intruder!

For making me....to like you,

For showing up...managing....and staying even when I didn't ask....did not desire.....was unsure.

For helping me realise, there is no perfect definition of love or finding a partner!

But there are emotions that root love....help it grow and bloom with time !

Age might not make me wise....but can turn my hair grey ;)

 For tomorrow I will grow a little old,

For tomorrow I will have a new goal!

For tomorrow, I wish be just another day

May tomorrow come and go just like yesterday

May my normal always stay 🙏🏼 

May age make me wise

May I live an honest life

May I treat everyone right

May everyperson I know feels blessed and thankful to get to live this life!

****

I realise the ordinary is very difficult to achieve. Yet we keep aiming for the extraordinary and forget to cherish what we have - the ordinary. 

May it be our ordinary health, the ordinary everyday with people around....the ordinary everyday work which we complete with ease! Or the ordinary selfless love that surrounds us in various forms ! I wish everyday be an ORDINARY day ❣️

Poured

 I realise...

I never liked the calm,

I always liked the chaos.

I wanted to swim in the waves...

May be to test....Can I!

I always talked to troubles..

May be to convince......I really can!

Does this make me look...trying to look strong..?

....fragile....delicate....even vulnerable!

Just because......

I gave up....willingly....

And now I try to fight!

****

I choose to fight with self...

 not to fight....with others...or for them

Want to know why...

Because I had let people decide how to treat me...and I realised my life....

My life....isn't just to please one....someone...or anyone!

They were not selfish .....I might call them self centered though...

But they had their plan...

And I was not a part of it you see.

So.....I learnt my lesson..

Did not become too practical...

I can chase even when hurt.....with all might....

But I never fool myself.....or my gut feeling

...if my little fist sized heart says....do not...

I JUST DON'T !

then may I suffer a loss.....

May I lose wealth......May people leave me....May the world tells me I am wrong...

I turn insensitive.....deaf and blind too

Does this make me look strong ?? ;)

I dont know...yet....

All I know is...I keep going....

I keep walking....

I reach destinations...and make new plans.

I never stop....or wait ....or turn back...

All I want is to survive storms...

Untangle life ....face my fears...

And....

Live with no regrets !